Glance across a room and he catches your eye – instant appeal you muse silently, watching him as he slowly sidles towards you. And so to bed, where it oft ends up, only to spend a few unsatisfying hours in a boring sexual romp. Has that happened to you? It has to me, too many times even when I’ve known someone for more than just a flirtatious verbal exchange over a few drinks in a bar. You think, even feel, there’s a sexual spark between you when you take off your clothes only to discover not that he’s a dud fuck, but that something else is missing. And I don’t mean love! It’s something far more elusive, intangible almost and so hard to explain because on occasion your CAN have great sex with someone you don’t even like that much. A columnist recently wrote about lusting after a woman whose politics he abhorred; they didn’t make it to bed apparently because she wasn’t interested, not him. And moreover, you can really love someone and care about them deeply when the sex isn’t even that good. Another article in the newspapers recently documented how couples who shared a really equal and balanced relationship had problems with sex, seeking counselling to try and establish a sexual relationship in bed that matched the relationship they shared outside it. The headline was “No sex please, we’re equals” but what was left out of the article was any mention of their sexual relationship before they became a ‘couple’. I could only ponder on that one – did they enjoy good sex before the kids, was it even important or were other issues more pertinent? How significant was sex in their choice of a partner? Is sexual attraction merely fleeting when it does enrapture you and does it wane for all sorts of reasons we often find hard to clarify? What is sexual attraction and how often are we all so wrong? So many good looking actors a la George Clooney are oft romanticised as such sexy men, but would his looks be enough for a really great time in bed? I can’t answer that of course, though I’d love to find out first hand (what’s his mobile?) but I have bedded a few supposedly really good looking men only to go home disappointed and unsatisfied. There have also been some men in my life with unattractive beer guts whom I’ve had great sex with; their personalities and simpatico appeal counting for far more than good looks. Go figure it!
I read another article a few months ago in Vogue that called sexual attraction ‘cave man politics’- maybe for me you can just leave out the politics and call it the great human instinct that keeps the human race going. Furthermore, when you’re actually lying naked with someone wherever, or even scantily clad to engage in sex, does what you look like matter in that moment? What else is playing out? I’ve oft contended that some people, men as well as women (though I’ve never engaged in sex with a woman), simply care too much about what they DO look like; some lack of confidence and enjoyment of their own bodies let alone who they’re in bed with. Sexual attraction just may be only one part of it; good sex with someone goes beyond that to a realm I’m having difficulty in clearly writing about. Maybe being on the same sexual wavelength; losing yourself and your self-consciousness about your image and appearance; enjoying the sex for what it is without caring about anything else at that time. Switching off about whether you actually like the person you’re with and being totally nonchalant about the reality that apart from the sex, you really have nothing else in common with each other. Does it or should it matter? So often it really doesn’t, certainly in the short term, at least for me.
On the other hand, there’ve been some men I’ve really liked and thought sexy and even had much in common with only to go to bed and be left wanting. It doesn’t seem at all rational or sensible really, does it? Maybe sexual attraction is just too profound for us mere mortals to really understand and clarify; so much of how we feel with another person even out of bed is unfathomable; why we like some people and not others is very hard to explain too at times, when the person can be genuine, nice and well-meaning, but we’re just not interested in even being friends. We can also be so attracted to others at times who we sense are not really in our best interest in going to bed with. You can also stay friends with someone when the sex hasn’t been that good either. You can even fall in love with them, fancy them like crazy and then the chemistry or whatever it is just disappears under the doona. Conversely, you may like someone and not fancy them at all and for whatever reason, end up in bed together only to enjoy great sex. What takes over then? Go figure it once more I can only say.
Sometimes, I have pondered whether my brains are in my cunt and some males in their pricks, but I also contend that ultimately, it’s what goes on in our heads that really reveals itself in sexual liaisons. For both parties. We might think we lose ourselves in lust and the sheer carnal pleasure of the moment, but it’s our brain dictating that. I know I once cried with a guy I really found depraved; I couldn’t have sex with him anymore as my mind was reflecting on other concerns that caught me out. He repulsed me with his sick sadism on what he thought was a turn on for me. So often, bed can be the most revealing place about us all; that time of vulnerability and supposed intimacy that catches us out when we think we’ve switched off our brains to simply revel in the sex. I don’t believe that’s true; I’ve also been in bed with two men who’ve cried- one because he had a small prick (many years later he tragically committed suicide) and another who couldn’t get it up because he confessed he was an alcoholic, among other things. When the sex isn’t good when you hope and think it should be because their seems to be a mutual sexual attraction, something else is not just missing, but something else is going on from the neck up, whether we’re conscious of it or not. I’ve always believed it takes two to tango as they say and sexual attraction is not what it’s often about. It’s not always what it seems to be. It’s not always enough to make sex the pleasure it should be. Talking to each other about what you may want and need is also important as far as I’ve learned over my years of experience; too often, as I wrote in The Cunt Conspiracy, there’s no real communication about what really does turn each of you on. It’s a hit and miss affair and maybe I’ve conjectured in the past, some men don’t actually care about the woman’s pleasure as much as their own. It’s a selfish, self-centred cul-de-sac. We’re more than fortunate if one night stands actually reap the rewards we hope for. A charming, winking smile across a room, even when we’re a bit tipsy, doesn’t always leave us smiling after we’ve been to bed. Maybe a personal vibrator can work far better alone in your own bedroom and it’s far more than the superficial sexual attraction that plays out when you’re together with someone else. Figured it out? This Femmosexual has! Enough.

Advertisements